thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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