I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
