Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
