I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
