I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
