We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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