I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
