Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
