I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
