I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
