the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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