Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
