I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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