a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
