i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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