she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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