Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
