I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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