I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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