Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
