I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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