I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
