Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
