I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
