I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
