I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
