WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
