i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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