i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
