I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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