why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
She's not a foreskin expert like you
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
