They should really pass out barf bags in church
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I have fence marks all over my body
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
