her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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