I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
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