I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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