You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
