The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
