Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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