my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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