My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
