did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
sarcasm needs its own font
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
