I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
