to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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