it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
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Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
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I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake