a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field