I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
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I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course