I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
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Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
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Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom