Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
