I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
