She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
