my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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