i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
