hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
