my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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