well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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