why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my sisters under your porch take her home
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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