the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
